The only difference is how much

Hello!


I had been depressed (?) recently. I am not quite srue why, probably just a routine girl's thing.

Well, I realised that people around me are changing so fast that I am not sure if I would be able to keep up with their changes. I'm confused. Friends started to drift apart, unable to communicate like before. Even when we hanged out together, things were never like before. It had changed, truly changed. I had changed, maybe the changes all started out with me. I changed my attitude towards them, I became colder towards them. That's why they changed.

Sometimes, I just want to be myself but then I realised that I no longer lived in a fairytale world where I can be myself without any troubles, no worries that people would start to hate me because I am just being myself. This whole drama is complicated, isn't it? I wanted to be pure, inncoent, naive or simple-minded. I am simple-minded, but at times, I tried to cover it up by thinking of excuses so that people would think that I am in fact scheming, so I would not come into harm. Maybe this is the way that I used to protect myself from the outside world. I don't like to be in a competition, I see no need for a win or a lose, the main thing is that the process had to be enjoyable.

A lot of my friends always thought that I am smart, and my results came effortless. However, if you knew me when I was so much younger, maybe you would realise, I am not smart at all. I remember very clearly when I was in Primary 1, the moment when I had to put in a lot of hard work to understand English because at that moment, it is the first time I came in touch into English for real. Not to forget, I can't differentiate b and d, and only able to differentiate it much later. I am a much slower learner than everyone else, I take time. I always had my exams failed, and the only time when I can do my exams well would be during Chinese, because my first language was Chinese in PAP. My classmates were Chinese, my teachers were Chinese and my Principal in Kindergarden were all Chinese, I hardly had the need to use any English, despite we had English Spellings, but I always failed it. It kind of not bothered me. I had not been gifted, I put in more effort in the past to really pull my studies up. Most of the people could see that I don't have good foundation, I just applied the formulas in the way that I see how they did it and I copied and translate to my own language which no other could understand because it is an alien language. I did this for work as well, when customers asked me for materials of the shirt, I remembered in my own ways.

Probably, that's what make me unique from the rest. I talk in a most boy-ish ways, I can't stand being girlish unless it is out of fun. I will freak out, I think I am weird to act like a girl. But now, I began to make changes. I started to wear dress, skirts, instead of plainly shorts daily. I started to wear heels, in fact, I love heels.

"Your efforts will not be futile, if you put in the effort, people can't just ignore it because it really existed."
"Time to work hard, time to play hard. Get your time right and you are gonna be alright."


Right now, I will need to concentrate on my studies fully. I need to put in my utmost effort to get into the course I want and to prove to people who always looked down on me that I could not do well because of the way I act and the way I talk and some even judge me by the way I look, I can prove to them that they are all wrong. I had always been told that I looked like a girl gangster, and probably my grades could not be any better. I acted like one too. But is that how they judge one person? Grades? I can prove to you all that the way I act and talked, doesn't affect the way I do my exams. If I did it well, means I copied? What sorcery is this world living in?

Oh ya, the haze. Well, Singapore is having the haze and so many people are complaining about it. I hate it too, cause it caused irritation to my nose and throats but really, it is just okay if I am not going to leave my house for days till the PSI is back to healthy range.

GOODBYEEEEEE, LOVE ALL MY READERS BUT I DOUBT I HAD ANY. :P